Text: Tuesday, July 27, 2004 (8:53 AM) Daily Quado: A reader asks: I joined the Big Sister organization and was matched with a 6-year old girl. I am finding conversation with her difficult. How do I communicate with a little girl who does not seem to respond to my questions? Can I ask the questions in a way that will draw her out? I believe in positive reinforcement, but she is constantly trying to test me. How do I set boundaries with this child? How can I make a positive contribution to her life? Quado, do you have an answer to this question? Ah, yes, of course, of course. When you ask a question, you are putting the onus on the other person to be responsive, to have an answer. And that answer could be right or wrong, to their mind. And so often, if someone is feeling uncomfortable or threatened, the best thing to do is avoid answering. Do not ask questions. Put yourself in the place of risk, not her. For example, instead of saying, ³What would you like to do today?² just decide what you would like to do and then tell her, "This is what we are going to do today." This puts the burden of being right or wrong on you. If it does not go well, then you get the responsibility, not her. Extend this throughout your entire relationship. Allow her to be silent and just to go along with whatever you wish. Or to rebel against what you wish, in which case you can respond, gently and respectfully, but firmly. But do not ask questions. To many people, questions are very threatening and put them on the spot. Allow her to be who she is. This is the greatest contribution you can make to her life at this point. If she needs to be silent, allow her to be silent. Show her how to live by example. Introduce her to your life and let her be part of it. If today is a day you need to do the laundry, then just let her participate, without probing and questions. This is what we are going to do today. And then bake some cookies, too. And when she wishes to speak, then give her your full attention and listen. Listen in a way which reaches out to her and understands. Just listen. Show that you understand what she is saying. Do not judge it. Do not question and probe. Just rephrase what she has said back to her or give her emotional support when necessary. Let her have time to get to know you and trust you. This is all about trust, about building up trust. Put yourself in her position. Do this mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Before you are to see her, breathe deeply and go into a quiet place. Ask: What shall we do today? Ask: How shall I approach her? And then follow the guidance which comes. You do not know what anxieties and fears may beat in that heart of hers, but you can get some clues. It may be that on a given day the very best thing would be just to go sit by a lake and feed the ducks, surrounded by beauty and quiet. Perhaps no talk at all, except an occasional observation about the ducks and the water. And then let her unfold when she is ready. She is like a tight little bud, and if you try to make her unfold, you will damage her and your relationship. Let it be. Give her love, but in an unobtrusive way. Sending her waves of love and demonstrate your caring by listening and gentle quiet support. Then let her unfold when she is ready. Relax. You are not on trial here. Do not feel that you are being tested, even though she acts that way. What is being tested is whether she can trust you. And trust takes time. So give it the time. Do very small, unobtrusive, unthreatening things. Quiet things. Let it be. And do not worry about your contribution. Often, for a child, to just be with someone who will allow them to relax and not respond is an enormous contribution. And one day, she will start opening up and talking and blossoming before you. When she trusts you. Let it be as it is. Ask for guidance and follow the guidance. Relax. Give yourself time as well. you have a question you believe might interest other Quado readers, please send it to carriehart@msn.com Visit www.carriehart.com for meditation CDs, healing services, music and more. This newsletter is distributed free of charge. Just send an email with Subscribe or Unsubscribe as the subject to carriehart@msn.com . Copyright 2004 by Systematique, Inc.

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