A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.
MAJOR U.S. RESEARCH UNIVERSITY DISCOVERS NEW ELEMENT!!
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
Alabama
Shine your light on me...
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you"?
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are anyway?"
"Moses," Replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed.
"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered:
"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rottweiler 'Jesus'!"
Open Season
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now.
You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, And heads back onto the freeway.
Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
ONLY IN AMERICA - Submitted by Boneswish
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
Breakfast in Japan - Breakfast Anyone?
A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Japan, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.
(Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. It was nominated "Best e-mail of 1997")
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
Room Service: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen?"
Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: "What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee baychem...crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine"
Room Service: "Hokay. An San tos?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "San tos. July San Tos?"
Guest: "I don't think so"
Room Service: "No? Judo one toes??"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
Room Service: "Toes! toes!... Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
Guest: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast'. Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
Room Service: "We bother?"
Guest: "No..just put the bother on the side."
Room Service: "Wad?"
Guest: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
Room Service: "Copy?"
Guest: "Sorry?"
Room Service: "Copy...tea...mill?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
Room Service: "One minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy..rye??"
Guest: "Whatever you say"
Room Service: "Tendjewberrymud"
Guest: "You're welcome"
Dilbertesque contest submissions...
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submittals.
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Washington.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired -- and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out - directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)
The following are actual statements made during court
cases:
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell
me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at
birth too.
Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand...
Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you
sustained while at work?
Plaintiff: Dr. J.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?
Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a
good plaintiff's doctor.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my
case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the
defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your
name. Not a damn thing.
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address
the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in
jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against
thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
Cobol Jack
There was this COBOL programmer who was living and working in the mid to late 1990s. His name was Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers, Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. Inasmuch as most of the systems in desperate need for Year 2000 conversions were written in the relatively archaic COBOL computer language, Jack was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different, highly profitable gigs. Unfortunately, he was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth a lot of bucks.
The problem arose when after several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack, he had begun to have problems sleeping and having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.
Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was a very expensive process and totally automated, but by this time, Jack had become really quite wealthy. In fact, the cost was no object and he was thrilled at the prospect that the next thing he would know would be that he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day, and with nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.
Jack was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.
The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting, "I can't believe it!", and "It's a miracle," and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.
Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?," he asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"
The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get too excited about such an unimportant detail inasmuch as there was someone very important who wanted to speak to him.
Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere.
"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?"
"Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10,000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL".
Barking Dogma?
Nathan Shumate wrote: > > ... I think you're barking at shadows.
Perhaps this is just a mere case of someone's karma running down another's dogma.
Or could it be someone's dogma driving another's karma?
Is a license required for dogma to drive karma?
Or is this just dogma barking up the wrong tree?
He who laughs last does just that: laughing last.
But does that laughter last?
Quotes on the Nature of the Universe
Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."
Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."
John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others."
Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."
Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."
Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing."
Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for."
Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."
Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed."
Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge."
Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
News (not) Flash:
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Washington DC. BATF search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
I work in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has flat-lined," a coworker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"
"Hey, I just heard you can download the entire Tyson-Holyfield fight from the Internet," one boxing fan mentioned to another. "Really?" said the other man. "How much memory does it take up?" "Very little," replied the first man. "Just two bytes."
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
A couple of years ago, I helped a friend buy a computer because he said I was the only "computer friend" he had. Recently he decided to buy a more powerful computer and again asked my advice. "I'm sorry," I told him. "I haven't kept up with computers much since your last purchase." "Great," he said "Not only do I have to upgrade my computer, I have to upgrade my computer friend too."
Little Girl to her friend: "I'm never having kids. I hear they take nine months to download."
When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
A revised oldie: MICROSOFT vs. GM (Part 2) - Submitted by Jay Seinfeld
This is a worthwhile update of an old joke. Enjoy
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
And...
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do orientals throw hamburgers?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to "I V's" as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
How can something be a Safety Hazard?
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on his face.
The egg is frowning, looking pissed off.
The egg mutters to herself, "well, I guess we answered THAT question".
"Hide not skeletons in thine own closet, for they will rattle when ye least expect them." (Cayce 3246-1)
Some more of Ben's arithmetic 8^)
There are tree tree's . Tree+tree+tree= 9
The trees get dirt on them after a while. Now there are tree, dirty trees, and Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree is 99.
During the night a rabbit comes by and poops a little by each tree. Now we have dirty tree and a turd+dirty tree and a turd+dirty tree and a turd. Add them together = 100 even . (submitted by Ben of course!)
A person asked Buddha: "Are you a God ?"
Buddha's reply was "No."
"Are you an Angel ?"
"No."
"Then what are you ?"
"I am Awake."
"A mighty oak tree was once a nut that stood its ground"
Some grade school teachers keep journals
of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:
- The future of "I give" is "I take."
- The parts of speech are lungs and air.
- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
- Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
- One byproduct of raising cattle is calves.
- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
- A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.
Food for Thought
If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
For every 60 seconds of anger, you lose one minute of happiness.
Kindness: a language the deaf can hear, the blind can see, and the mute can speak.
When you see someone without a smile, give him one of yours.
I do not think happiness is too hard to find -- it is how you treat it once you get hold of it that counts.
What holds you together is far greater than what can tear you apart.
My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to be in the first group; there was much less competition.
Respect costs nothing.
Life is like a soap opera. God is the head writer; your story line keeps changing; it's a daily event; and there are Friday cliffhangers.
Don't marry the person you think you can live with. Marry the one you can't live without.
I complained I had no shoes 'til I met a man who had no feet.
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which had been opened for us.
The days are very long, but the years are very short.
Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.
Answer just what the heart prompts you.
The heart is wiser than the intellect.
Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgment.
Speak only well of people, and you need never whisper.
Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time.
Pray for what you want, but work for the things you need.
Wise men learn more from fools, than fools from wise men.
Get your mind set; confidence will lead you on.
It is better to share happiness than keep it to yourself.
Be direct; usually one can accomplish more that way.
Prayer is the language of the heart.
So you think you're computer-illiterate?
Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system couldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in , the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
Headlines from Jane
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Thing We Can Learn From Dogs
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Stop when you've had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
English Anyone?
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
The 50 top oxymorons:
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
And the Number one top OXY-Moron
1. Microsoft Works
The following signs were spotted ...
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
On a Maternity Clothes Shop: "We are open on Labor Day."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
"All those who believe in pychokenisis , Raise my hand."
The following two additions are courtesy of Belinda and Anna in Australia:
Three married couples were taking a trip around Darwin and unfortunately were involved in a fatal car accident and they all died and went to see St. Peter at the pearly gates.
Peter told them before they were allowed to go to heaven he had to assess them. He looked at the husband of the first couple and said to him:- "You, all you did on earth was drink, drink, drink. You visited every pub in the area and drank all your money away and left nothing for the wife and kids. You even married a woman called "Sherry". Off you go, we don't need your type here".
He then looked at the next couple and said to the husband:-
"And you, all you ever did on earth was gamble. You went to all the horse races and wasted your money at casino's, and never had any money over for food for your family. You even married a woman called "Penny". Off you go, we don't need your type here".
Before St. Peter could say something to the third husband, the husband looked at his wife and said, "Let's get out of here Fanny".
A man and woman (not related) got into a lift at the top floor of a high rise building. When the lift door closed the lift cable suddenly broke and the lift came hurtling towards the ground. The terrified woman looked at the man in the lift and said to him, "Please do something for me before we die". The man said "Okay, what?" She then said, "Make me feel like a woman again". The man said okay, took off his shirt and handed it to the woman and said, "Here, iron that"!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ctrl+Alt+Delete
(Author Unknown)
Don't you wish when life is bad
and things just don't compute,
That all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?
Things would all turn out ok,
life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete...
Your boss is mad, your bills aren't paid,
your hubby, well he's just mute
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
hat make it all reboot...
You'd like to have another job
but you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start anew,
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete...
Ticket, please...
(Author Unknown)
Three Engineers and three MBAs are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three MBAs each buy tickets and watch as the three Engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an MBA.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.
They all board the train. The MBAs take their respective seats but all three Engineers cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The MBAs see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the MBAs decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed MBA.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.
When they board the train the three MBAs cram into a bathroom and the three Engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the MBAs are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,
"Ticket, please."
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