The following is a conversation with someone who was slightly offended by my obnoxious
Smokers self assessment test

Bill's comments are RED
>Bill,

>  good for your for holding on to your dignity and confronting me in a
>respectable manner.  May I post your response as a link from my page?

Sure, I stand responsible for my words.  Thanks for asking, though.

>  Also, just a few comments:

>  My mother in law (a nurse) saw cancer patients smoke through trachea holes.

My grandfather was a heavy smoker, died on the table during his third
bypass operation.  My dad told me that after his 1st and 2nd operations,
he'd wait until the nurse left, turn off his oxygen bottle, and try to beg
a smoke off of someone.

>  Your dad could have got his cancer while he smoked.

And he probably did.  He was a very heavy smoker for most of his life, and
a steady drinker, as well.  The doctors told us that throat cancer strikes
men ten times more frequently than women, and tends to be found in men who
both drink and smoke regularly.

>  I hoped you did everything possible before beating that person.

Including telling him (he was literally standing inches from my face, and
was hostile to the point of spraying me with saliva as he shrieked) that he
was in immediate danger if he didn't back off, which he completely ignored.
 I don't fight as a general rule, and haven't been in a fistfight for years
and years.  But he had it coming if anyone ever did.

>  I think you take a fair approach to avoiding bothering others.

I think non-smokers have the right to breathe clean air, or at least air
that is unsullied by my tobacco smoke.

>  Many of my questions were just smart alec jabs - but you still gave me
pause for thought.

I know, but real conversations can begin by refusing to be baited, ya know?

>   It intrigues me that you started that late in life - that's the oldest I've
>ever heard of , could it be that you are well into your 60's now?  I have a
>difficult time picturing some choosing to smoke at that age now a days?

I'm 37, been smoking for six years.  Tried to quit twice, failed both
times.  I hope that I will eventually succeed, but I know that in order for
the patch or any other device to aid me, I have to want to quit.  That's a
difficult position to explain to someone who is not addicted to a physical
substance.  It seems that there are two kinds of people in this world when
it comes to addiction -- those who have been there and understand, and
those to whom addiction is a mystery, and they just can't grasp the concept
of being addicted to a substance.  I don't ask for pity, I made my own
choices.  Nor do I blame the tobacco companies, when I started smoking, I
was well aware of the risks.  Sound insane?  Perhaps it is a form of
insanity, I can't defend it on a logical basis.

When I do finally succeed in putting down the demon weed, I feel that I
still will not be a vocal critic of the tobacco industry.  We could argue
law and logic for hours, Eric, and I've got an answer for every argument
I've ever heard from non-smokers or anti-smokers.  Higher insurance costs?
Sure.  Smokers also pay a high premium in taxes for their habit, and since
most insurance in this country is private, they (or their employers) also
pay for the amortized higher health costs, spread across the smoker's
group.  Non-smokers don't pay for smoker's illnesses.  Then, too, there is
the issue I mentioned earlier, which is simply one of the right to pursue
happiness.  Given that smokers are not granted the right to endanger the
health of others, why are they not free to endanger their own health, if
they so desire?  We let all kinds of people endanger their health in many,
many ways, and no one is suggesting that we outlaw fat people, race car
drivers, etc (yet).

My personal opinion is that a whole lot of our country got their wires
crossed when they read the Constitution, where it says "promote the general
welfare," and misinterpreted it to mean "provide the general welfare."  I
can't find a single shred of evidence that the founding fathers meant for
the government to "take care of people," especially against their own free
will.  Oh well, end of rant.

Nice talking to you, Eric.  Take care!

NOTE:  Eric, here it is, as requested.  Feel free to use it as you wish.

************************************************************************
How I Started Smoking at the Age of 31 (In This Day and Age)

Greetings, all.  I am a smoker, although I started at the age of 31.  I am
37 now, smoking about 2 packs-a-day.  I understand that I'm somewhat of an
anomaly, since most people start in their teens or never start at all.
Don't know why, but I'll tell you how.

I was raised in a smoking family.  My dad and my mom both smoked.  Dad was
a 2 or 3 pack-a-day man, usually Pall Malls or Kools.  Mom would smoke a
pack of Dad's Kools, and she took about a week or two to go through a pack,
so she actually smoked very little.

I have memories of my dad driving me to school on winter days, smoking with
all the windows up, which gagged me.  I once put my t-shirt over my mouth
in an attempt to filter the smoke, and within 15 minutes, I had a little
brown smoke ring imprinted on the neck of my shirt where I had been
breathing in.  My dad saw it and got pissed off, but refused to roll down
the window.  I used to clean his car on weekends, I remember the brown goo
that came off of the inside of the windows when I cleaned them.

I grew up fairly poor, and in the summer, I took odd jobs, including
detassling corn.  School buses would pick us up and take us out to the
cornfields at 6:30, and bring us home at 3:00.  I was 11 or 12, and would
take a packed lunch, a lot of water, and once I sneaked a pack of my dad's
smokes.  There were literally hundreds of kids in the cornfields, and
smoking was "in."  The first time I smoked, I got damned sick.  I mean,
really, really, sick.  Turned green, threw up, the whole nine yards.  After
that, I could smoke without coughing or getting sick.  At the end of the
summer, I was afraid that my parents would find out I had been smoking, so
I just stopped, and it didn't bother me at all to do so.  I did not smoke
again until I was 31.
 

I have three younger sisters, and two of them became smokers as they grew
up.  I was away in the Marines, so I don't know when they started exactly,
but it was sometime in their early teens I suppose.  Although many of my
friends in the Marines smoked, I never did, and never got hassled for it.
Once or twice, I "posed" with a cigarette in a bar in an attempt to look
"cool," but that was the extent of my experimentation in the service.

After the Marines, I came home to Denver, got a job, apartment, etc.  All
of my friends smoked, with no exceptions.  We would sit around a Village
Inn or Denny's and drink coffee until the wee hours, and they'd smoke like
fiends, while I just ignored the smoke, which didn't bother me.

Years later, I got married, began the "family life," yadda, yadda, yadda.
Still a non-smoker.

My wife had an affair with another man and left me.  I had been working two
jobs at the time, trying to pay off huge credit card bills we'd run up.  I
immediately quit one of the jobs, in an attempt to get my wife to come back
to me.  She didn't.  I was laid off from the other job, and was looking for
work.  Finally found a new job, but at a much lower rate of pay, and had to
go live in a crappy area of town, my apartment got burglarized, etc.  Still
didn't smoke.

My dad had a major heart attack.  I got a call from my stepmother, he had
been given last rites.  At that time, he was a 4 pack-a-day smoker, a
fairly heavy drinker, and overweight.  I drove out to see him in another
state, he was all gray and weak looking.  He was sent home to die (note: he
didn't, he's still hanging in there).  Still, I didn't smoke.
 

Met a girl through a friend of mine.  Liked her.  Went out twice.  She was
nice.  Then I got a call from the friend who had introduced us.  He wanted
to talk.  Met him at Denny's for dinner.  He told me that she had asked him
to tell me that she didn't want me to call her anymore.  No reason given,
just leave her alone.

Man, that was it.  From my failed marriage, to my subsequent bankruptcy, to
my dad's heart attack, and now this.  I asked my friend for one of his
cigarettes, and he gave it to me.  I smoked it, and it tasted like hell.  I
had another.  Still tasted awful, and made me a bit light-headed.

On the way home, I stopped at a gas station and bought a pack.  I smoked
them, I don't know how long it took to finish the pack, a few days maybe.
Bought another.  And then I was hooked.

That was about 6 years ago.  I am now a 2 pack-a-day smoker.  I like to
smoke.  It tastes good, it relaxes me, and I enjoy it.  I am also quite
addicted.

I don't enjoy it when I smoke too much in one day, and wake up in the night
with coughing fits.  I don't enjoy it when I knock over an ashtray and mess
up my carpet.  I don't enjoy it when I finish a good meal in a restaraunt
and then can't have a smoke, which at the point I totally crave.  I don't
enjoy the smart-ass remarks and comments I get from people who apparently
feel that they can shame me into quitting, or who just like to feel
superior.  I don't enjoy it when bosses give me ugly looks when I take a
break for a smoke at work.  But none of these things bother me enough to
quit, at least, not yet.

My grandfather had three heart bypass operations as a result of his
smoking, and the third one killed him.  My dad now has throat cancer to
contend with in addition to his permanently weakened heart, due to smoking
and drinking.  I have every logical and scientific reason in the world to
quit, but I'm still smoking.  Why?
 

Is it dangerous? Yes.
Is it stupid?  Yes.
Is it insane? Perhaps.
Is it self-destructive?  Could be.

I enjoy smoking.  I like to pull the smoke down into my lungs and feel it
radiate outwards, sending little peace and tranquility messages to my
brain.  I like to light my cigarettes, I like the sound my Zippo makes when
I open or close it.  I like to flick my ashes and field-strip my butts.  I
like to tamp down and open a new pack.  I like to crinkle up an empty pack
and pitch it in the trash.  I like to stand outside my office building in
nice weather and gaze up at the sky, enjoying a quiet moment of reflection
before diving back into work.  I find I do some of my most creative
thinking at those moments, come up with cool solutions to problems.  I can
visualize them while I stand outside with a cigarette screwed into my face.

I understand the nature of addiction.  I understand what it is from a
scientific basis.  I know that a good part of my "satisfaction" with
smoking is caused by the chemical change in my brain that the active
ingredients in tobacco smoke bring about.  I know that I'm being
manipulated by my addiction.  I think that non-smokers can also understand
the nature of addiction.

But understanding the nature of addiction is not the same as understanding
addiction.  I truly believe that in order to understand addiction, one must
have experienced it.  And I'm not talking about so-called "addictions" to
white sugar, processed flour, coffee, or any of the other things we
sometimes refer to as addictions.  Those, my friends, are not addictions,
and I don't care what the scientists say about it.
 

An addict, be it to illegal drugs, alcohol, or nicotine, understands
addiction.  They know what it feels like to fulfill a craving, what it
means to go without, the internal struggle of body, spirit, and mind that
occurs when one attempts to kick.  We understand each other, and you, my
unaddicted friends, do not.

Why are we so often hostile to you when you try to explain to us why we
should quit smoking, drinking, or shooting up?  Because we know that you
don't a clue what you're talking about.  You understand that there is a
withdrawal, but we also know that you have no idea what it feels like.  You
understand the science, but you have never felt the big empty place, like a
hole where a tooth used to be, that is left behind when the physical
addiction is gone.  The craving may die, but the desire never will.

You can't grasp that, because you've never felt that.  And so we get angry
when you start spouting your little self-righteous factoids and your
holier-than-thou attitudes show through.  We know it's about control,
because we understand what it is to be controlled.  Our drug controls us,
and you want us to surrender that control to...you?  Not bloody likely,
mate.  Our drug comforts us and makes us feel good.  You, on the other
hand, are a poor substitute, no matter how much you love us, care for us,
or want to help us.  You and your advice can't compete with our drug.

I am a smoker.  I don't blame anyone but myself for my addiction.  At the
moment, I enjoy my addiction.  The tobacco companies didn't do it to me,
peer pressure didn't do it to me, my situation didn't do it to me, and my
family history didn't do it to me.  I did it to myself, of my own free
will.  I ask for neither pity nor sympathy.

Best Regards,

Bill Mattocks

The following is more conversation between Eric and Bill:
Eric,

No hate mail for you, sorry, but I felt I had to take a moment to respond
to your quiz.  I'll answer your questions, and then add a few comments of
my own here and there.  Thanks for reading!

>If your last cigarette bothered someone, would you get nervous and have to
light up >again?

No, I'd put it out if I perceived that it was bothering someone, and if I
still felt that I needed or wanted a cigarette, I'd go elsewhere.

>Could tobacco advertisements convince you to buy a fancy hammer to smack
your >head with?

I don't think so, but you never can tell.  Addictions can be powerful things.

>Are the walls in your home all yellowed?

No, but I've only lived in this apartment for six months.  I have seen
walls and furniture that was yellowed from smoking.  Of course, I've also
seen kitchen walls that were coated in dirt and grease from cooking
not-so-healthy food, too.

>Do your pets die prematurely?

One cat, seven or eight years old, seems healthy.

>Is your craving for nicotine stronger than your sex drive?

Definitely not!  Besides, can't I do both at the same time?

>If you had cancer of the larynx, would you learn to smoke through your
tracheotomy >hole?

Don't know, but I don't think so.  My dad has cancer of the throat, and he
quit smoking ten years ago.  He didn't start up again just because he's dying.

>If your tracheotomy hole got too cancerous would you try to give yourself
a smoke >enema?

I'm not even sure that's physically possible, but no, I would not.

>Do you think your lungs are darker and dirtier than typical asphalt?

No, but they probably don't look very nice.
 

>Did you start smoking to impress kids in junior high school?

No, I started at age 31, and I knew I wasn't impressing anyone.

>Would you feel better if most olympic athletes smoked?

Better how?  No, I don't think so.

>Do you feel better now that the tobacco industry is trying to buy
republicans too?

No, but then again, I don't think that they're any different from any other
legal industry in the USA.  I can't think of one that does not contribute
to political campaigns and hire lobbiests in an overt (and legal) effort to
get politicians of all stripes to see things their way.  Insurance,
automobile manufacturers, the NRA, the AARP, and so one.  Everybody wants
their voice heard, and everybody knows that in our system, the most money
often wins.  That does not mean that I don't have a complaint about the way
our political system is structured, it just means that I don't see the
tobacco companies any differently than I see other legal entities and
special interest groups.

On the other hand, I *do* have a problem with tobacco companies' continued
lies and coverups concerning the addictive qualities of nicotine.  I can't
claim that I was unaware of the fact that nicotine is highly addictive, but
I still think it sucks that they covered up evidence that they were aware
of and tried to market to kids.

>Do you pretend that you just aren't interested in quitting?

Nope.  I am interested in quitting, but I am also highly addicted and know it.

>Would bus exhaust tide you over in a pinch?

I won't even smoke another brand of cigarettes if I can't get my usual.
And I'm a heavy smoker.
 

>Could you buy a car for all the money you've invested in tobacco products?

Not yet.

>Do you savor phlegm balls which have trapped "all that rich rewarding
tobacco >flavor"?

No, why?  Do you have some?

>Is satisfying your addiction now, worth 19 less years of life later?

1) Yes, but that's my addiction talking.
2) Even if it were not, I reject the notion that it is anyone's business
but my own.

We all make choices, some of them ill-advised, dangerous, or foolhardy.
Most of those choices would never be considered to be anyone else's
business, such as hang-gliding, spelunking, race-car driving, SCUBA diving,
mountain-climbing, overeating, and so on.  Even chronic alcoholics are
basically on their own, nobody insists that the government has a right to
intervene in their self-destruction.  Yet our country is moving towards a
place where smokers will eventually be told that it is illegal to practice
their unhealthy behavior.  This, I fail to understand.

>Is it OK that the tobacco companies are trying to make addicts of poor
people in 3rd >world countries?

Difficult question.  Is it OK that companies market a legal product abroad?
 Yes.

>Would you still smoke at home even if you knew your kids would get asthma
or >retarded?

No, I live alone with my cat.  I would not smoke in a house with children
in it.

>Would you smoke tobacco if it had just gone through someone's digestive
tract?

I certainly would not.  Where do you get that question?

Eric, I appreciate that you are concerned with getting people to quit
smoking.  That's fine, I'm all for your right to voice your concern and
spread information about the dangers of smoking.  I do my best not to hurt
or offend anyone else with my habit.  I will put out a cigarette when
requested, even if the request comes in the form of a fake coughing fit and
a series of dirty looks; or even if the person asking is, shall we say,
less than polite.  On the other hand, I'm really getting annoyed with the
offensive anti-smokers who feel it necessary to approach me (as a total
stranger) and begin harrassing me about the dangers of smoking, etc.  I'll
be polite as long as I can, but eventually if they don't stop spewing out
their little anti-smoking nuggets, I treat them as I would a Jesus-Freak
who failed to go away when requested.  That is, I remind them that the
danger I'm creating to my own health is nothing compared to the danger that
they're going to be in if they continue.

In one single isolated instance, I did indeed kick the living crap out of a
health-nazi who felt it necessary to continue to harrass me and call me
names after being repeatedly warned to stop.  And then I had a cigarette,
which tasted great.

Best Regards,

Bill Mattocks
 
 

>eric

Best,

Bill