>The story behind the letter below is that there
is this nutball in
>Newport, RI named Scott Williams who digs things
out of his backyard
>and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian
Institute, labeling
>them with scientific names, insisting that they
are actual
>archaeological finds. This guy really exists and
does this in his
>spare time! Anyway...here's the response from
the Smithsonian
>Institution. Bear this in mind next time you
think you are
>challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult
situation in
>writing.
>____________________________________________________
>Smithsonian Institute
>207 Pennsylvania Avenue
>Washington, DC 20078
>
>Dear Mr. Williams:
>Thank you for your latest submission to the
Institute, labeled
>"93211-D, player seven, next to the clothesline
post...Hominid >skull."
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed
>examination, and
regret to inform you that we disagree with your
>theory that it
represents conclusive proof of the presence of
Early >Man in Charleston
County two million years ago. Rather, it appears
>that what you have
found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety
>that one of our
staff, who has small children, believes to be
>"Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have
given a great deal of
>thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you
may be quite >certain
that those of us who are familiar with your prior
work in the >field
were loathe to come to contradiction with your
findings.
>However, we do feel that there are a number of
physical attributes of
>the
>specimen which might have tipped you off to its
modern origin:
>1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient
hominid remains are
>typically fossilized bone.
>2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is
approximately 9 cubic
>centimeters, well below the threshold of even the
earliest identified
>proto-homonids.
>3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is
more consistent with
>the common domesticated dog than it is with the
ravenous man-eating
>Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands
during that time.
>This latter finding is certainly one of the most
intriguing hypotheses
you
>have submitted in your history with this
institution, but the evidence
>seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without
going into too much
>detail, let
>us say that:
>A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie
doll that a dog
>Has chewed on.
>B. Clams don't have teeth.
>It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that
we must deny your
request
>To have the specimen carbon-dated. This is
partially due to the heavy
load
>our
>lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly
due to
carbon-dating's
>notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent
geologic record. To the best
of
>our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced
prior to 1956 AD, and
>carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly
inaccurate results. Sadly, we
>must also deny your request that we approach the
National Science
>Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept
of assigning your
specimen
>the
>scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino.
Speaking personally, I,
for
>one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of
your proposed taxonomy,
but
>was ultimately voted down because the species
name you selected was
>hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might
be Latin. However, we
>gladly accept your generous donation of this
fascinating specimen to
the
>museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid
fossil, it is,
nonetheless,
>yet another riveting example of the great body of
work you seem to
>accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know
that our Director has
>reserved a special shelf in his own office for
the display of the
specimens
>you have previously submitted to the Institution,
and the entire staff
>speculates daily on what you will happen upon
next in your digs at the
site
>you have discovered in your Newport back yard. We
eagerly anticipate
your
>trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in
your last letter, and
>several of us are pressing the Director to pay
for it. We are
particularly
>interested in hearing you expand on your theories
surrounding the
>trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous metal
in a structural matrix
that
>makes the excellent juvenile tyrannosaurus rex
femur you recently
>discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a
rusty 9-mm Sears
Craftsman
>automotive crescent wrench.
>
>Yours in Science,
>Harvey Rowe
>Chief Curator-Antiquities
>
>