HALLOWEEN

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you...the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

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IN THE LOBBY

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

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Getting Even!!

This information is for educational use only. I can't be held responsible for any misuse or use of this text.

Buy one of those cards that have the small electronic device that plays a tune....place it somewhere very hard to find in a colleague's office when she's out (behind a picture, in the bottom of the tissue box....it will drive her crazy trying to find it.

Does the person that you want to get even with drink red wine? If so, have I got one for you! Get yourself some Neutral Red, a water soluble, crystalline red dye. Mix some into the persons wine and wait for them to take a leak. Neutral Red comes out as red as it goes in, and people have a tendency to get really nervous when they start peeing what they think is blood!

Reprogram the speed-dials in the office of a co-worker to all call "Dial-a- prayer."

If someone goes out of town for the weekend get access to their room. Lay down plastic wrap all over the room. Around furniture, under the bed everywhere. It is easiest if you remove all furniture then lay down the plastic. Fill the entire room with sod. Now they have wonderful green growing carpet. :) Replace all their furniture, exactly how it is supposed to be. Have farm animals moved into their room right before they get home. Sheep, goats, anything that grazes and is small enough to fit in the room will work. Lock up and leave. - Preferably the country.

The next time you are having a party, do this prior to the arrival of your guests:

Take a camcorder and place it on a tripod extended as high as possible (and on top of a table or box if necessary) so that it is near ceiling height. Place this in the bathroom (or just outside the door if the bathroom is too small to afford a wide shot.

This shot must include the sink area and the toilet. Select your accomplice and tape her walking into the bathroom, looking into the mirror, fixing her make-up and hair and walking back out.

Remove the camera and make this tape available for playback in your VCR.

Sometime during the party, select your victim (preferably female - you'll get better reactions). Wait patiently until they go to the bathroom and when they do, gather EVERYBODY around the television and quickly explain the joke. Have your accomplice (the one you taped earlier) standing by.

When the victim emerges from the bathroom, have your accomplice pass her and enter the bathroom. Roll the tape of your accomplice fixing her make- up and have everybody watching,really interested in what she's going to do. Observe with delight as the victim succumbs to the belief that there's a video camera in the bathroom...where SHE just was!

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Faux Windows

For those on Windows 3.1x..... Use Alt + Print Screen at the Program Manager screen to get a screen image into the clipboard. Paste it into the Paintbrush and save it as a .bmp file. Get into the office early on April 1st, load it onto some machines and use it as Wallpaper. Then minimize the Program Manager. Although the Program Manager will still be visible as an icon people will probably be clicking at their wallpaper icons for some time before they notice it.

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Fake Lottery

One of the best practical jokes I heard of recently was the wife who taped the lottery draw one week. Then, during the next week bought a ticket with the previous week's winning numbers on for her Lottery Mad husband.

The next Saturday evening they sat down to watch the draw but just before it started she had arranged a short phone call for him during which she switched on the video with the previous week's show on it. He then returned to see his "winning" numbers drawn out. Of course, he was delirious.

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Take a bucket of water, two gallons or more, and dump it underneath the front of a friend's car (you do this without their knowledge, of course). Then go in and ask how long they've had that terrible radiator leak! Works like a charm!

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Take a small strip of cloth and make a short cut in one edge so that it's easy to tear. Find a public place to play the prank and set down a dollar bill where the victim will find it. When he bends down to get it quickly tear the cloth thus inducing the hole in the pants panic dance. Stand back and watch the fun begin!

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Ok here's what you do. You get the biggest envelope you can find fill it three fourths of the way full with shaving cream. Then get all the shaving cream down to the bottom of the envelope go to someone's room (who you don't like) and slide the open end under the door so that it is just inside the room. Then stand up and stomp on the end with all the shaving cream in it ,this will send the shaving cream flying throughout the other persons room. Pick up your envelope (so they don't know how you did it, but if you leave your envelope this is why you don't use one with your name on it) and RUN. This joke is best done at night so no one will see you and the people will wonder how all this shaving cream got all over the place when their door was locked.

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Ok, you know those sprayers that are connected to sinks. Well the night before (when everyone in your house has gone to sleep) take a rubber band and wrap it around the handle so that the lever you press to spray the water will stay down (you might have to do a little bit of aiming). Now the next person that turns on the faucet is going to get a wet surprise.

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If target owns older model car, use bailing wire (or coat hanger) to tie small fish (Carp, Catfish, etc.) onto the engine manifold. In a couple of days time, the target will start to investigate strange smells. This is especially good if target is about to leave town on holidays or business trip.

Other substances can be substituted (ie. Beef Liver, Eggs, etc. - anything that stinks when half cooked and going bad). DO NOT USE ANYTHING TOXIC - PLASTIC, ETC!

Later model cars need hood/bonnet to be released from inside vehicle, so will only work if target leaves vehicle unlocked (not likely these days).

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Call someone up and say you are the utility man on the roof dealing with the "High Voltage Phone Fiber Optics" on the roof, and that because of the work you are doing, the phone will ring a lot. Tell them, no matter what, to NOT PICK UP THE PHONE OR ANSWER IT for ANY reason, or you might be electrocuted.

Hang up, wait a minute and call again. Let the phone ring and ring until it is picked up. Give a blood curdling scream.

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Hook up the modular phone cord to something silly, like a lamp, or a potted plant. A lot of people work in offices who have no idea how phones work, and will more than likely call in a repair guy... who will trace the line to the plant and make your schmuck look like a... well...schmuck.